


the careful and considered musings of an uncertain cupid

by madfatty



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-24
Updated: 2017-10-24
Packaged: 2019-01-22 08:25:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12477412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madfatty/pseuds/madfatty
Summary: A tumblr promptWhat happens to Archie between Barney kissing him during Spin the Bottle, and the next morning, when Archie tells Rae that he is definitely gay? Does he spend any time with Barney or have any significant conversations with anyone else?Originally posted to tumblr on 20/10/17





	the careful and considered musings of an uncertain cupid

Midway through his approach, Barney started second-guessing his plan. Fuelled by three lagers and half a spliff, it had seemed as good an idea as any at the time, but the look of mild panic in Archie’s eyes as he swooped down on him gave Barney pause for thought. Archie’s immediate reluctance had Barney regretting his actions but with gritted teeth he leaned in to the kiss. There was no going back now, he’d committed, so he forged on, gripping Archie’s face firmly but gently and planted one on him. There was no danger of tongues, which Barney was grateful for, and though rigid to begin with, Archie didn’t struggle and there might have been a slight puckering of lips towards the end there, which Barney decided to take as a positive sign.

In hindsight, he had to admit it may not have been the subtlest of moves, but short of walking up to Archie and asking him straight out if he was into guys, he couldn’t think of another way of sounding him out, so when the bottle landed on Arch, Barney saw his opportunity and went for it. Thinking about it now, Barney conceded he may have been overly convinced of his own snogging abilities to expect that with one kiss, Archie would be moved to suddenly declare himself gay in front of God and everyone, but that’s what three lagers and half a spliff can do for your confidence.

Bloody cousin Kit, it was all his fault. If he hadn’t been dragging his face around since he’d arrived in Stamford, Barney wouldn’t have felt the need to get involved. After the beating he’d taken back home, you’d think he’d steer well clear of any sort of… shenanigans for a while, at least until he was fully healed anyway, but no, after a kick-around with the lads last Sunday afternoon, Kit’s mood had brightened considerably, thanks to one Archie Spencer. Barney had spent the rest of the week facing a barrage of increasingly personal and unanswerable questions which included favourite colours and ice cream flavours, and the most often repeated, “Do you think he could be gay?”

+++

Barney gets to stand closer than most to the gang and while he’s not specifically looking for things, there’s stuff he can’t help but see. Like Chop; if Chop doesn’t get his head out of his arse soon and stop faffing about, he’s going to blow it with Izzy for good. It’s only the fact that he knows Izzy is completely besotted with the idiot that stops Barney from making a move on the redhead himself. She’s an absolute cracker and wasted on the likes of Chop Peters as far as he’s concerned, but the heart wants what it wants, he supposes, and there’s no accounting for taste.

Then there’s the two new girls who have recently made for interesting times. Their little group has become quite the sordid hot bed of hormones and longing. It’s like an episode of Eastenders most days.

After flirting with a number of lads, and some unsubstantiated rumours about a certain PE teacher, Chloe has finally set her sights on Finn. Not that it will get her anywhere, poor lass, because Finn’s got it bad for Rae, who’s either oblivious or just not interested. It could be because she’s still carrying some more-than-friendly feelings for Archie. Who would know? You’d be forgiven for thinking they were a couple, what with all the whispering and giggling and wandering off to private corners to talk amongst themselves, but no, ‘just mates’, apparently. 

And not that he needs any sympathy from the likes of him, but Barney can’t help butBarney can’t help but spare a thought for Finn. With a pulling history unrivalled locally, he now finds himself on the sidelines, just like a regular bloke, looking on anxiously, biting his fingernails and biding his time, trying to figure out if he should make his move now or wait until his best friend decides once and for all if he wants to call romantic first dibs on the girl he fancies. See? Eastenders.

Archie is a tough one though. Girls fancy him something rotten. There are always at least one or two sniffing around him at any given time. Barney reckons it’s the speccy-muso-sensitive-geek vibe Arch has going for him. But while Barney has seen him get off with various girls over the years, it very rarely lasts longer than a weekend at most and though many have tried, none have ever managed to attain girlfriend status. 

Whatever. They’re teenagers, nothing is supposed to last more than a week or two anyway, so it isn’t proof of anything. Other than the fact Archie always seems to have one eye on the door, like he’s counting down the days to a life beyond the rest of them, there is nothing that Barney can put his finger on that would indicate there is anything ‘different’ about him.

Not that it’s any skin off Barney’s nose if Archie was gay. The way he sees it, it just means better odds for the rest of them. Theoretically. Plus, he’s a good guy is Arch, and Barney knows Kit would be in safe hands, even if it turned out that Archie wasn’t. Gay.

+++

Kit’s doing his head in. Every time Barney turns around, he’s right there under his feet, big soulful eyes pleading and his palms pressed together. It’s so not fair. It’s a party for fuck’s sake. He’s supposed to be getting rat-arsed and trying to get off with girls, not playing matchmaker for his over-excited cousin. It’s becoming clear however, he’s not going to have a minute’s peace until he talks to Archie so, with a belly full of booze and a warped sense of familial loyalty, and without the first idea of what he’s going to say, or where a conversation like the one he thinks is going to take place will end up, he begins a circuit of the house, nicking two orphaned cans of premium lager from the sideboard on his way through and goes in search of his bespectacled mate.

+++

He’s not hard to find, sitting on his own in a quiet corner of the dining room, monitoring the slow demolition of Rae’s house with mild disinterest. Before he can think about it, Barney rolls his neck and shakes his arms out like a boxer and braces himself for whatever comes next. 

“Oi, Spencer,” He barks, causing Archie to blink up at him owlishly from behind his glasses. He hands him one of the cans and lowers himself to the floor, cross-legged, “you don’t fancy me now do you?”

“Nah. Sorry.” Despite his casual tone, Archie’s body language shifts immediately from the relaxed slouch he was wearing seconds ago to something tense and wary. He pops the lager open and slides back towards the sliding glass door to put some distance between them when their knees bump.

“Yeah well, I only used one lip. Didn’t want to spoil you for everyone else.”

“Very thoughtful of you, Barney.” Archie’s smile is tight and goes nowhere near his eyes.

“It’s probably for the best.” Barney sighs dramatically. “I’m a free spirit Arch; I can’t be tied down and I won’t be tamed.”

“I appreciate you letting me know.” 

“So, not in love then, but not traumatised either, eh?” asks Barney, hopefully.

“Only by your breath.”

“Hey!” Barney cups the hand that’s not holding his drink up to his mouth and breathes out, his nose wrinkling in disgust. “And noted.”

A longish, awkward silence follows, where Barney alternates between staring at his hands and nodding amiably at anyone who wanders past and Archie distractedly taps out, what sounds very much to Barney like Pulp’s ‘Do You Remember the First Time?’ on the side of his can with his fingernail. Halfway through the second verse, Archie huffs and stands, looking around the room for somewhere else to be.

“Well,” he drawls, “It’s been nice chatting with you Barney, as always.”

If Barney’s really going to do this, it’s now or bloody never.

“Wait!” Barney grabs at Archie’s wrist and pulls him back down to the floor. “It’s just… some fellas would have freaked out about it, yeah? Would have thought it was gross. Being kissed by a lad. But you didn’t. You took it like a pro.” He blurts out. 

Well shit, that had sounded less… judgy in his head. He’d been aiming for casual; sort of man-of-the-world, sophisticated but it definitely didn’t have any of that. On reflection, a practice run might have been the way to go, or at least waiting until he had a fully formed thought about what he was going to say before he started. His tone could probably use some work too because Archie looks like he’s been slapped. Barney wishes he could take it all back and start again.

“You kissed me, remember?” There’s something tense and fearful in Archie's eyes. And hurt. Which is the worst part. He doesn’t look away though.

Maybe Barney has the answer to Kit’s question but at what cost? The hollow feeling in the pit of his stomach proves once and for all what he’d already suspected, that it's none of his business and it really doesn’t matter either way. What does matter is Archie and not hurting his feelings. Kit will be gone in a couple of weeks, but Barney will still be here and so will Archie. He needs to fix this.

“I know, I know. Look, I didn’t mean… I just meant that you were cool about it and that’s really… cool.” _Jesus_ he mutters under his breath, _could I be any more pathetic?_ There’s a moment when he think there’s a real possibility he could go blind, his eyes have rolled so far back in his head. “I mean, It’s no big deal, is it? Two lads kissing. Plenty of people… lads do it so, it’s not like it’s weird or anything. At all. Not normal but… well, not ‘not’ normal, ‘normal’s’ not the right word, not… usual. Different is what I meant. But it’s okay, is what I’m saying….” Thankfully God or someone of a similar pay grade intervenes before it gets any worse and he’s able to hit the pause button on his verbal incontinence. _That’s right, Barney-boy. Put the shovel down. The hole’s big enough._

“I need to stop talking for a bit.” Barney lets his head fall between his knees while he tries to pull some much needed air into his lungs. From his current position he is spared the rich tapestry of facial tics and expressions that accompany the rapid flow of emotions currently coursing through his friend as he tries to process what's just been said.

“I think that would be best.”

Eventually, after another silence, not quite as long but far more awkward than the previous one Archie says, “That was very enlightened of you, mate.”

“Thanks.” Whispers Barney, still quietly trying to assess the damage. He forces himself to unfold, leaning forward and lower so he can look Archie in the eye. “Are we good though, you and me? I’m good,” he says earnestly, his hand splayed across his chest, “and I just want to know that you’re good too. That it’s all… good.” His other hand lands on Archie’s forearm and before he can stop himself he gives it what he hopes is a reassuring squeeze. Judging by the look on Archie’s face, this maybe a step too far. 

“Jesus, don’t start that again, Barney, for fuck’s sake.” Archie groans, shaking him off. 

“Right. Sorry.” Please God, let him not have fucked this up. Lesson learnt. Kit can get his own bloody boyfriends in future. 

“It’s alright. There’s no harm done.” Archie sighs, draining his drink and stacking it neatly with the other empties he’s got stashed behind the glass door curtains. Archie’s got quite the collection going.

“Good. Sorry. I mean, excellent.” Barney thinks now would be a good time to take a break from all the weirdness; go for a walk, find a drink, maybe bang his head against a brick wall outside for a bit. Archie seems to have the same idea.

He stands and stretches out, reconnoitres the room. Without warning, he drops back to the floor next to Barney like someone just switched off gravity. None too subtly, he leans over and mutters from the side of his mouth into Barney’s ear.

“Don’t look now, but there’s a strange guy watching us from the kitchen.” 

“What? Where?” He doesn’t have to turn around to know who Archie’s talking about, but he makes a show of looking anyway. Kit startles, deer-in-the-headlights fashion, at being caught staring and swiftly ducks behind the doorway out of view. Not two seconds later he’s back, well, half of him anyway, peeking out around the corner. It’d be hilarious if they weren’t actually related. 

“Didn’t I say ‘don’t look now’?” Archie hisses, punching Barney on the shoulder, rather hard.

“Ow. Easy. D’you mean that long streak of piss over my shoulder? The one trying to look like he’s not at all interested in what’s being said over here?”

Archie’s voice is slightly higher than normal when he answers.

“The er, tall guy, black hair, kind of…” Archie doesn’t finish the thought. His cheeks colour and he dips his head to hide it. “I think he was at the park the other day.”

“That’s my cousin, Kit. He’s staying at ours over the holidays.” 

“What happened to his face?”

Barney hesitates. He doesn’t want to lie to Archie but it isn’t his story to tell. “Couple of guys where he’s from thought they had a say in who he could and couldn’t hang out with.”

“That’s horrible.”

He thinks about Kit’s face when he first arrived in Stamford, the ugly patchwork of yellow and purple and how he wouldn’t leave the house for the first three days. Horrible doesn’t even begin to cover it.

“Yeah, it was, but he’s on the mend now.” He watches Archie watching Kit with a look of genuine concern. The longer it goes on, the softer Archie’s gaze becomes, until it’s something else entirely. Eventually he seems to remember himself and looks away nervously. Barney’s blushing almost as hotly as Archie when he decides. He may have only just finished promising God that he’s not going to interfere, but if it turns out Archie’s interested on his own, surely introducing them wouldn’t be considered interfering. It’s just good manners. 

“Hey, you couldn’t do me a favour could you Arch? Could I maybe leave him with you for a bit?”

“You want me to babysit? Why? Is there something wrong with him?”

 _“Of course there‘s something fucking wrong with him! Look at him, he’s daft as a brush, darting in and out like some whack-a-mole at a fun fair,”_ is what Barney wants to say, but it would defeat the purpose so he adopts an affronted tone and blusters,

“Of course there’s nothing wrong with him! Why would you ask that for fuck’s sake?”

“Well, you’re acting like his mum or something, trying to get us to play together. Why can’t he make friends on his own?”

“He’s shy, is all. Please Arch, he’s slowing me down, with the ladies, you know?”

“Slowing you down, or showing you up?” Archie’s always fancied himself a bit of a comedian and Barney’s always seen it as his duty to remind him otherwise, but he’ll tolerate the smirk and the raised eyebrows this one time for the sake of his cause. No one can say that Barney Maguire isn’t a team player.

“Oi! Rude. And a little bit hurtful. Oh come on, be a pal.” Barney whines. “I can hardly leave him with the likes of Charlie or Mick or any of those tossers now, can I? He’d end up on Crimewatch for driving the getaway car and me ma’d crease me.”

“So what you’re saying is you can leave him with me because I’m boring.”

Barney hasn’t had nearly enough to drink for all this. Matchmaking sucks. There’s too much thinking you have to do and it’s all about other people. He doesn’t even put this much effort in to trying to get his own dates.

“Look, I just think you’d get on, alright?” he tells Archie. “He likes football and sci-fi movies and all that mopey, indie crap you call music. He’s into boring books about the olden days and that weird Goth comic-thing you’re always reading.” He stops himself before he mentions the piano playing and the competitive swimming, afraid he may have over-egged the pudding already. Barney had no idea that he knew so much about either of them. It’s a little disconcerting.

“I dunno, Barn…” Archie bares the posture of the overwhelmed. He’s all wrapped around himself, knees drawn up tight to his chest, face pressed into his thighs. If he starts rocking, Barney’s not sure that he knows what to do. 

This was too big a job for the likes of him, he can see that now. This emotional stuff is draining, and it’s starting to give him a headache. What made him think he had the first clue about getting two people together when he can’t even manage to find someone for himself? Archie’s clearly not into it, which would strongly indicate that Archie’s not even gay, so all this self-humiliation has all been for nothing anyway. It’s the first and last time he involves himself in someone else’s love life, that’s for sure.

He doesn’t know what else to do. It just seems a shame, is all. God, he needs drink.

“You know what? You’re right. Forget about it.” He sighs, holding his lager to his lips and up-ending it hopefully. Empty. Of course it is. “You’re a good guy, Arch and you always treat people decent but I shouldn’t have asked. Kit’s not your problem.” 

There’s a muffled groan and almost a whole minute of what sounds like an intense solo debate. Barney can’t make any of it out as it’s delivered directly into Archie’s lap. With a deep sigh of resignation, Archie turns to face him, cheek still resting on his leg. “Go on then.” He huffs.

“Huh?”

“I’ll babysit.”

“You will?” Barney squeaks, his face nearly splitting in two with delight before he sobers. He drops his voice back to its normal octave as he raises his hands in conciliation. “You don’t have to.”

Archie actually growls. “So help me Barney, I will punch you right in your stupid face…”

“Okay, okay.’ Still waving his hands about. “Did I say he was Irish? I only mention it because you may not understand most of what he’s saying. I’m related to him and I still have no idea what he’s on about most of the time.”

Barney concedes this may be a discussion best left to another time if Archie’s glare is anything to go by.

“I’m going to send him over now, alright Arch?”

Archie swallows nervously. “Alright.”

Barney grins, and slaps Archie good-naturedly, if not a little too enthusiastically, on the arm. “Good man.” Barney stands and waves Kit over from where he’s been lurking. Before he walks away, Barney turns and stage whispers, “Remember, don’t make fun of his accent.”

He watches the tall scruffy Irish boy make his way over, self-consciously running a hand through his hair, straightening his shirt. He wonders what Archie’s face is doing but doesn’t dare turn around to find out. He thinks it must be encouraging at least because Kit’s smile keeps growing exponentially wider.

“Calm the fuck down, and whatever happens, don’t feel you need to share, yeah? We need never speak of it again.” Barney growls as he passes him on his way into the kitchen. His cousin barely acknowledges him with a slight shift of his fingers and ups his pace. He’s moving so fast Barney’s afraid that Kit is going to trip over his remarkably big feet and land in an ungainly pile of over-sharp knees and elbows on the object of his affection. Miraculously, when he comes to a full and sudden stop, Kit manages to stay upright and Archie appears unscathed. 

Kit’s still beaming as Archie extends his hand and says, “Hi, I’m Archie.”

Archie’s looking pretty pleased too. Barney wouldn’t say there were sparks exactly, but something seems to be happening. He lingers for a moment like an anxious parent, just to make sure everything’s okay and then wanders off in the direction of another drink. If he’s lucky, he’ll cross paths with some young lovely who hasn’t yet alleviated her post-spin-the-bottle disappointment with someone else. He’ll be properly pissed off if the only one in the family getting any tonight is Kit.

Playing Cupid to his gay cousin and his possibly gay mate from college would no doubt score points with soft hearted, romantically inclined girls, but it might take a little more to convince the fellas, so it’s not a story he’ll be relying on any time soon. Barney Maguire is nothing if not discreet.

 _The things you do for family_ he thinks, as he smooths a sweaty hand over his hair and goes in search of Anna Harris.


End file.
